Book 22: "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running"

The philosophy of running.

I'm kind of on a health/wellness trend right now with the books I've been choosing. The last three books I've read are all "imports" from NYC, as in, I bought them there and lugged them all the way back home. Being in NYC (and gaining 8 lbs(!) while I was away) was a wake up call for me. I realized how unfulfilled I feel living in Hawaii, and I saw how much the island mentality has infiltrated my lifestyle. I didn't have any specific encounters that led me that conclusion, but I thought about the people I passed on the street, and how they all had somewhere to be. They all seemed to be directed by a very strong internal force. (The closest thing I can liken that to is the scene in Donnie Darko where Donnie sees the predestinations of everyone around him, they all seem to be led by a translucent power.) 

Whereas in previous trips to NYC I felt as though I belonged there, this time I felt like a small fish in a big pond, more of an outsider than ever before. It hurt me to see how quickly the years have gone by, how I've willed myself to work one more semester at dead-end student jobs with the intention of saving for my future, only to see those possibilities evaporate due to foolish spending habits and poor money management. If not for the grace of my parents, I seriously doubt I'd be able to avoid homelessness. Being in NYC made me question everything I've been doing up to this point, but at the same time, it gave me more clarity than I ever had trying to "figure it out" at home. I saw what I did and did not like about my life back home, and being in the city refilled my tank of internal motivation. 

I also thought about my attitude. As Haruki Murakami states in his book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, "It's pretty thin, the wall separating healthy confidence and unhealthy pride." Have I been too prideful, self-confident, maybe even cocky all these years? I did get used to a certain level of prestige and "status," both in my academic and extracurricular lives. Maybe a part of me still views myself through the lens of who I once was in brighter times--the top tennis player, president of an honor society, multi-tasker, etc. Maybe having earned those titles was the worst thing that could have happened to me because they created the illusion that I had time, that I could hold off everyone else, and life itself. We know what ill fates bely those who stay stagnant, (we're all sharks--if we're not swimming, we're dying), yet time and time again, I surge when given new tasks, only to fade once I get comfortable. Maybe what I need is to get a reality check. Maybe someone needs to tell me to my face that I'm 24, have not worked a full time job and am not on any life trajectory except one of the guy who lives at home and is labeled as a "loser" by society. 

It's sad to find myself at this crossroad, but not unexpected. I'm smart enough to know when I'm pushing things to the side in avoidance. I know what I SHOULD be doing, and I have every means to get started, but my disdain for uncomfortable feelings and a general unwillingness to "put myself out there" has gotten in the way of maximizing my potential and making my visions come to fruition. Knowing what I'm capable of, and feeling the internal workings of my mind grind away at the speed it does, tells me that I'm coasting in the far right lane on the freeway when I belong in the far left. It's frustrating to know you're not doing what you should, but it's not as easy as getting off your ass and doing whatever you need to. There's a psychological barrier that cannot be called "laziness," either. At first meeting, some people tell me I come across as being bitchy, confident, intimidating and harsh, yet I often feel the exact opposite. So maybe I'm simultaneously scared of the world, but the walls I put up exude the things I wish I were? It's certainly not on purpose that I come across this or that way, I'm always just being myself, or is that a subconscious manifestation of an internal delusion that also keeps me from going after what I want?

So, what is it that I want? I know I want to read a lot of books I can learn from (I never did like fiction much), do the best job at the new job I've been at for a couple weeks now, take time to reflect and reevaluate, exercise and lose weight (my BMI is overweight!), stay calm, and appreciate life. Maybe I don't have it all figured out, but I know what I don't want. I don't want drama in my life. I don't want to be in a relationship, or at least I don't feel the need to be in one, or to be close with anyone in particular. Establishing relationships with people who emanate negative energy are a distraction from all that I want to accomplish, and could accomplish, on my own. Trying to establish kinship and finding the good in people for the purpose of companionship and love is also a waste of time. I have far more pressing things to do, like finding a career calling. I'm also tired of the Hawaii "scene." I'm not so useless and incapable of impacting the world that i have to resort to being a socialite and hobnob my way to the top. 

Where did all this come from? Reading Murakami's book didn't explicitly tell me I'm not where I want to be, but his musings put me in an introspective frame of mind. It's worth reflecting, especially with where I am in my life, and if I got anything out of reading this book, it's the opportunity to be honest. Here are a few of the quotes that got me going: 

• On being a gentleman: "A gentleman should keep quiet about what he does to stay healthy. A gentleman shouldn't go on and on about what he does to stay fit."
• On pain: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
• "To keep on going, you have to keep up the rhythm. This is the important thing for long-term projects. Once you set the pace, the rest will follow. The problem is getting the flywheel to spin at a set speed--and to get to that point takes as much effort and concentration as you can manage."
• "I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of person who doesn't find it painful to be alone."
• "If you think about it, it's precisely because people are different from others that they're able to create their own independent selves...Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent."
• "I'm the kind of person who has to totally commit to whatever I do...I had to give it everything I had. If I failed, I could accept that. But I knew that if I did things halfheartedly and they didn't work out, I'd always have regrets."
• "I only began to enjoy studying after I got through the educational system and became a so-called member of society. If something interested me, and I could study it at my own pace and approach it the way I liked, I was pretty efficient at acquiring knowledge and skills."
• "I'm struck by how, except when you're young, you really need to prioritize in life, figuring out in what order you should divide up your time and energy. If you don't get that sort of system set by a certain age, you'll lack focus and your life will be out of balance."
• On recommending running as exercise: "No matter how strong a will a person has, no matter how much he may hate to lose, if it's an activity he doesn't really care for, he won't keep it up for long. Even if he did, it wouldn't be good for him...If they're not interested in it, no amount of persuasion will make any difference."
• "The most important thing we ever learn at school is the fact that the most important things can't be learned at school."
• "Muscles are hard to get and easy to lose. Fat is easy to get and hard to lose."
• On pretending to run a marathon for media attention: "Sometimes the world baffles me. I can't believe that people would really do things like that."
• "Focus and endurance are different from talent, since they can be acquired and sharpened through training...In private correspondence the great mystery writer Raymond Chandler once confessed that even if he didn't write anything, he made sure he sat down at his desk every single day and concentrated."
• "Most runners run not because they want to live longer, but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive than in a fog, and I believe running helps you do that. Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running, and a metaphor for life."
• "The healthy and the unhealthy are not necessarily at opposite ends of the spectrum. They don't stand in opposition to each other, but rather complement each other, and in some cases even band together. Sure, many people who are on a healthy track in life think only of good health, while those who are getting unhealthy only think of that. But if you follow this sort of one-sided view, your life won't be fruitful."
• "I'm not a human. I'm a piece of machinery. I don't need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."
• "Break one of my rules once, and I'm bound to break many more. And if I'd done that, it would have been next to impossible to finish this race."
• "Just as I have my own role to play, so does time. And time does its job much more faithfully, much more accurately, than I ever do. Ever since time began, it's been moving ever forward without a moment's rest. And one of the privileges given to those who've avoided dying young is the blessed right to grow old. The honor of physical decline is waiting, and you have to get used to that reality."
• "It's a little strange, perhaps, to make this claim at such a late date, but The Great Gatsby really is an outstanding novel. I never get tired of it, no matter how many times I've read it. It's the kind of literature that nourishes you as you read, and every time I do I'm struck by something new, and experience a fresh reaction to it."
• "Instinct has taught me only one thing: Use your imagination...I imagine myself, along with thousands of other runners, going through Brooklyn, through Harlem, through the streets of New York. I see myself crossing several steel suspension bridges, and experience the emotions I'll have as I run along bustling Central Park South..."
• "On the body of the bike is written '18 Til I Die,' the name of a Bryan Adams hit. It's a joke, of course. Being 18 till you die means you die when you're 18."
• "People say that most of the problems that earth is facing are, more or less, due to global warming...What the world needs is a set villain that people can point at and say, 'It's all your fault!'"
• "I've carried this character around like an old suitcase, down a long, dusty path. I'm not carrying it because I like it...I've carried it with me because there was nothing else I was supposed to carry. Still, I guess I have grown attached to it...I'm still lugging around that old suitcase, most likely headed toward another anticlimax. Toward a taciturn, unadorned maturity--or, to put it more modestly, toward an evolving dead end."
• "Once when I was around sixteen and nobody else was home, I stripped naked, stood in front of a large mirror in our house, and checked out my body from top to bottom. As I did this, I made a mental list of all the deficiencies--or what, to me at least, appeared to be deficiencies...As I recall, when I got to twenty-seven items, I got sick of it and gave up. And this is what I thought: If there are this many visible parts of my body that are worse than normal people's, then if I start considering other aspects--personality, brains, athleticism, things of this sort--the list will be endless. As you get older, though, through trial and error you learn to get what you need, and throw out what should be discarded. And you start to recognize (or be resigned to the fact) that since your faults and deficiencies are well nigh infinite, you'd best figure out your good points and learn to get by with what you have."
• "It doesn't matter how old I get, but as long as I continue to live I'll always discover something new about myself. No matter how long you stand there examining yourself naked before a mirror, you'll never see reflected what's inside."
• "It's precisely because of the pain, precisely because we want to overcome that pain, that we can get the feeling, through this process, of really being alive--or at least a partial sense of it."
• "Even if, seen from the outside, or from higher vantage point, this sort of life looks pointless or futile, or even extremely inefficient, it doesn't bother me. Maybe it's some pointless act like, as I've said before, pouring water into an old pan that has a hole on the bottom, but at least the effort you put into it remains."

Thought provoking, easy read that the reader will interpret and internalize in the framework of his/her own life. Rating: A-