Joel Stein, author of "Man Made: In Which a Dad Learns to Be a Man for His Son"
All those assumptions would be correct. Joel Stein grew up in New Jersey, the son of a salesman. He majored in English at Stanford University before writing for the Los Angeles Times and Time magazine. It is through his contributions to Time that I first became acquainted with his satirical, observational, often sarcastic style of writing. (Frankly, his columns are often the best part Time, of which I am a former subscriber).
I found Man Made on a table stacked high with paperbacks at Barnes & Noble. The book jumped out at me because of its humorous cover art (Joel, standing behind a painted image of a ripped, soldier/lumberjack/hunter/carpenter), but it was Joel's name at the bottom of the cover that inspired me to pick it up and read the back cover description. The description begins, "The smudge looked suspiciously penis-like." I was sold.
In short, upon learning his wife, Cassandra, was giving birth to a boy, Joel set about learning how to be a man. He participated in camping, firefighting, hanging with pro athletes, drinking scotch, day trading, driving a Lamborghini, temporarily adopting a dog, fixing an old house, hunting, Army and Marines training and MMA fighting, all in an attempt to man up and serve as an example of masculinity for his son.
General feelings about the book: Besides the cover art and back cover description, what attracted me was the idea behind the book. That a "modern man" can outright admit that he has masculinity issues shows daring that few men actually possess (but, of course one of the points of the book is that "masculinity" and "daring" are subjective terms demonstrable on a spectrum. For example, although Joel's ability to be candid about his lack of experience with "manly" activities is a form of masculinity [along the same thread as admitting to be insecure about one's manhood], the flip side is the traditional image of manliness--wrestling, joining the army, etc. which have now become activities that a person of any gender can engage in, but you get the point). Essentially, Joel was simultaneously playing catch up and broadening his scope of manly experience. That appealed to me because I, too, am on my own quest to discover the expectations of my gender.
At this point in my life, I feel as though I don't have an anchor or steady role model. A lot of that has to do with being in college for the past 6 years, which means a lot of my friends aren't my age. The friends I do have that are also 24 years old are also still in school. I think, growing up, there are more definitive milestones like passing through elementary then middle school, prom, graduating from high school, applying for and attending college and graduating from college. What people do after college is up to the individual, and it doesn't help if you leave not knowing what you want from life or who you want to be. After college, the societal expectation is that you'll find a job, date, get married, have kids and settle down. A few of my high school classmates are married and I'm sure a few more are engaged. Most of them probably have jobs and they've more or less adhered to the timeline of maturity. As a man, I'm supposed to have come into myself already, and I should be trying to shoulder more responsibility, yet I wish someone who knew me could help point me in the right direction. You should be getting the gist of where I am in life right now, hence the Summer of Reid.
Anyway, the book promised to explore 21st century masculinity, and in a superficial way, it did. By engaging in activities our society perceives to be masculine, Joel was not only participating for the sake of gaining life experiences, he was seeking enlightenment along the way. While he succeeded in checking off the items on his list of tasks, he did so to varied degrees of depth.
Favorite Chapters:
Chapter 2: Rescuing the Helpless
"Not to dismiss your entire premise, but none of the activities or skills you plan on doing define becoming a man. A man is honest, kind, and courageous, protects women, is humble, bold, moral, seeks truth, loves children, and fights for what is right."
"Johnny Appleseed is a giant pussy, refusing to wrestle or hunt or do any pioneer stuff. He just wants to help the environment and grow local, organic fruit. Also, he's way, way, way too into apples."
"Being liberal isn't very manly. In fact, the firefighters generally think that society has become so liberal, manliness is disappearing."
"Though manliness drives progress, progress is the enemy of masculinity."
"You don't want your leader to be the toughest, the coolest, the funniest, the most charismatic. You want him to represent something bigger than himself."
"I want to stop thinking about stuff and start doing stuff."
"Cassandra realizes she's searching for a unicorn: masculinity and urbanity in a straight dude."
Not only was this chapter full of memorable quotes, it also offered a substantive look into the lives of firefighters, who, despite living in urban areas, somehow embody perfect examples of masculinity. I especially like his quote about manliness and progress because it seems true by all logic. Humans used to be driven by primal desires--hunting, fishing, gathering, living as nomads, fighting rival tribes, wartime, defending their families, etc.--but as life gets more comfortable, men put down their swords in exchange for smart phones and cubicles. I can see how men who live in urban areas can lose their tempered edge. Smart aggression and masculinity drove progress but as civilizations earn first-world designation, labor-intensive work is outsourced and the modern man forgets how to be noble in the absence of any threats. The chapter related to me because I've always striven to be a leader, and I'm in constant conflict with myself trying to balance masculinity with sociability. I suspect that confidence in oneself is vital to Captain Buzz's definition masculinity. Rating: 5/5
Chapter 5: Making Money
"'I like the challenge of getting good at things more than the actual thing itself.'"
"That's not how [life] works at all. Life occurs in moments."
"Because I was born in a stable country at a stable time, I falsely extrapolated that change is incremental...all the action is in the risk taking, whether I want it to be or not."
"I used to think of taking on risk as inviting danger. But after meeting Matt I see that you can control risk so it expands your opportunities without sacrificing anything too precious. Not taking risks is a risk too."
Joel wanted to engage in some risk taking behavior so he posted a listing on Dealbreaker, a Wall Street gossip website, looking for a day trader willing to let him "play" with $100,000. Day trading is a high risk, high reward activity, and if you're successful, it also boosts the part of masculinity measured by wealth. Joel ended up meeting with Matt Nadel, a 25 year-old day trader from Great Point Capital who first showed him how to read the data on the computers scrolling in front of him then gave him the $100,000 to try his hand at the markets. The play-by-play part of the chapter was far less interesting than was the insight into the day trader profession, the population of which has dwindled following the market crash of 2008 and the introduction of computer programs that can react to market changes much quicker than the human analysts can. The image of Matt and only a few other traders sitting in a room full of empty cubicles is particularly striking as a reflection of the current state of Wall Street. Rating: 4/5
Chapter 10: Defending My Country
"The sergeant hands me an official marines water bottle that says, PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY. I'm pretty sure that 'Pain is an important signal your body is giving to immediately stop whatever is is you're doing.'"
"...I got something more than confidence. I understood something no one...had told me: There are ideals far more valuable than personal success. Our culture might celebrate power, money, and fame, but that's not what they talk about at your funeral. Honorable conduct, even unrecognized, is its own reward. Without that code, every decision is a selfish weighing of morality versus personal gain. A code makes life easier, and more worthwhile."
This was, in my opinion, the best chapter of the book. When reading the back cover, I knew that I wanted to hear what it was like to join the marines and army. Full disclosure: I'm probably more patriotic than your average 24-year-old. It bothered me immensely when, during the Bush era, kids at school used to hate on the Iraq war and on the president. It doesn't matter who is leading our country or where a war is being fought, I believe that we should support them unconditionally. What sets Americans apart from other countries is the amount diversity (racially, politically, religiously, philosophically, historical, etc.) we tolerate. Our belief in tolerance and unity is what our country was formed on. We have a system that, despite it's flaws, has allowed us to lead the world for much of the past 200 years. Disrupting the unity that keeps us strong through hardship opens the door for dissension and discord. After Obama was elected, I haven't heard as much unhappiness, and the accepted attitude is that "we don't support war but we support the troops." Anyway, if there were a draft, I would accept the assignment rather than defect or take any of the other outs that I'm sure a good portion of the country would. I used to be afraid of death, but (and this makes total sense from the economic principle of "opportunity cost") as I've found myself in a state of identity and career flux with less definitively set ahead of me, I've found I have less to be afraid of losing should I die doing something epic (i.e. war, hiking Kalalau, climbing Everest, etc.). Not only is joining the military a perfectly acceptable alternative to getting a real job, you also emerge a lot fitter and more disciplined than when you entered. I've always been patriotic and now that I so desperately want to get in shape, maybe I need an army
Of all the activities Joel decided to participate in on his quest to become a man, I was most satisfied that he decided to try the military. I didn't really like that he chose which branches to train with by what incentives they offered, but nonetheless, for a liberal journalist to step out and support the troops by bringing exposure and enlightenment to what goes on in basic training, it's a noble endeavor. Joel, surprisingly, was quite successful at training, and I found myself cheering for him even as he faced insurmountable obstacles (fainting, falling, semi-quitting on The Reaper). There were parts of the chapter where I felt myself tearing up, such as when Captain Fritz spoke of a friend who had to undergo a leg amputation. It would have been perfectly acceptable in the publishing realm to omit certain details (perhaps Joel did so, we'll never know), but overall I found that Joel's recap and assessment of the experience were fair. Contrary to previous chapters, this one felt like it was less about Joel and more about the overall military experience. Maybe it's all my perception, maybe I'm looking at it through my own eyes, but I also think Joel took away more from this experience than many of the other ones. He isn't as likely to forget the feeling of physical pain or hearing about real life from the young training participants (most of whom were around my age or younger) as he is to forget drinking and vomiting with his buddies. After reading the chapter, I wanted to put the book down and tell my parents I wanted to join the army. I think Joel could have ended the book with this chapter and his quote about what people speak about at your funeral. Realizing that none of your material possessions is important to people after you die puts my quest for self-actualization into perspective. At times, earning lots of money feels like the most important endeavor, but in the end it isn't. No matter if you die a billionaire or penniless, what people are going to speak about when you die is what kind of impression you left. I realized after reading this chapter that maybe my path in life and my quest to become a man should include being a humanitarian or somehow trying to help others because it obviously matters enough to invoke a response. Rating: 5/5
Chapter 11: Defending My Family
"'Truth and peace are in direct opposition. Some people will give up a lot of truth for peace; others give up peace for truth. But everyone has their limit for both. Side toward peace whenever you can."
"My brain skips anger entirely, going straight from wronged to sad. The few times I've felt really attacked, I completely shut off, going silent and distant. This is a slightly worse trait in a husband than drunken violence."
This chapter was all about aggression and Joel's lack of it. He wanted to test the limits of his patience and preference for peace by participating in the civilians version of a UFC fight with Randy Couture. First, he got basic fight training from Dana White, which included Muay Thai training with Peter Pinto. Following his training, he got into a ring with Randy Couture and got the sh*t beat out of him. Just reading this chapter brought out aggression in me. After all the sarcasm and annoying, wimpy things Joel had said throughout the book, I was ready to "watch" him get choked and punched in the face. To his credit, Joel took it like a man and got thoroughly beat up. I'm not sure if he learned much from the experience, but I got some good quotes out of the chapter.
First of all is the discussion about peace versus truth. At first I wasn't sure I've ever been faced by the choice between them, but then I realized I have been, as recently as a few weeks ago. While on a movie outing, a now ex-friend asked me about the grades I received this past semester. He has access to the STAR and Banner systems at UHM and he had a look on his face that said he had looked up my record. As a former peer advisor I know all about the federal laws that protect my rights as a student (FERPA). I knew that I had a legitimate case against the guy and I could have wrecked his life by reporting his unwarranted and unwanted accessing of my record to the FERPA sheriff, but I chose not to. Partly because I didn't feel the same blood-boiling vitriol towards him that I had felt initially after the incident, but also because the repercussions would have been tedious to endure--the investigative meetings, follow up appointments, stress and possible rejection of the case. Do I regret not pursuing truth in favor of peace? I have doubted myself every day, sometimes multiple times a day, in the past week. I felt more violated by this incident than I had ever felt before, yet I hesitated in taking action and instead let the rage die down. I wanted to process the a**hole to justice. Instead, I metaphorically held my balls while walking away from the confrontation and opted to call it peace. The incident has left me feeling as though maybe I should stop hiding my truth. Maybe one day I should take the alternate route and see what happens.
The first quote is related to the second. They're both about apathy. I remember having "discussions" with my parents quite regularly in my childhood and I can still feel the emptiness of resigning my arguments when confronted. It's a pitiful feeling that I can now call emasculating. People you love and who love you should never make you feel like you're nothing and that your thinking is so completely convoluted. I know now that I never want to be married to a spouse who makes me feel cornered and empty. Rating: 4/5
So-So Chapters:
Chapter 1: Surviving Outdoors
"The happiest thing I learned this weekend is that nerdiness is a big part of manliness."
I identified with this chapter because I was once a Boy Scout. My time as a scout did not last long, and I didn't want to join in the first place, but I did learn how to tie a really useful knot that never slips or comes undone (I don't remember what it's called but it goes "right over left, left over right"). I think there is value in having kids join group activities/sports because they definitely take away elements of socialization that they won't get on their own. However, although he went through the motions, it never came across as though Joel actually threw himself in completely. I've been doing a fair amount of camping/hiking recently, and I'm not really wimpy when it comes to getting dirty, being outdoors or being deprived of home comforts. Joel, on the other hand, had hesitations because of the possibility of all those things. It didn't help that he joined a Boy Scout troop rather than the man-version of Boy Scouts to be around "rugged" guys his own age. Rating: 3/5
Chapter 3: Engaging in Competition
"I still don't feel comfortable around groups of men the way I do around groups of women."
"Even one night of being a Boy Scout opened up conversations with the firefighters. I need ore of those entry points. Because I don't think I can become a man without becoming relaxed enough around other men to learn from them."
"When I meet men and have to admit I don't know anything about football, I'm rarely able to recover conversationally. It's as if I'm telling them that I'm not interested in having male friends."
"...their philosophy is acceptance. Which our society has been calling repression. We've been taught that controlling emotions is just sublimation, and those emotions will lie in wait and collect interest and then come out in horrible, uncontrolled fits of anger, sadness, depression and disease...repression isn't simply civilized; it's the mechanism to express dignity, honor, respect and self-discipline. It's not that you shouldn't let people know how you feel; it's that you should decide how and when you express it."
"It's true confidence that comes from both not caring what other people think and caring about them."
"In fact, Shawn made me think I don't need to change to become the man I want to be. I can still be a total wimp inside. I just need to expose myself to a broader world, like Shawn did, and like I'm trying to do with these adventures. I need to expand, not change."
"Do you want an excuse for your life? One of the most wasted things in America is potential. You know what potential is? Potential is 'You ain't done nothing yet.'"
"'We're not rational. We're not made that way,' he says about our gender. 'A lot of people know what to do. Very few people do what they know.'"
Joel spent time with Shawn Green, former Major League Baseball player, and Warren Sapp, former defensive tackle in the National Football League. Some of Joel's insights were relevant to my own life. I, too, feel awkward around groups of men, although I do have individual male friends. I also identify with the awkwardness of not being able to contribute to discussions about football (or MMA, basketball, baseball...every sport besides tennis). His revelations related to emotional repression and expansion (rather than change) were particularly deep. The (brief) high point of the chapter were Warren Sapp's two quotes about potential and the irrational male mind. I think it's helpful and cool when male athletes step up and attempt to serve as role models because they're prominent figures and they're looked up to as the epitome of masculinity. Growing up, all my sports idols were tennis players. Tennis is one of the more marginal sports in America by participation and media coverage standards, which means it's difficult for fans to feel connected to professionals. A lot of what I idolized about them were superficial, so it's nice to hear that Green and Sapp are willing to step up to their responsibilities as sports icons. In the end, Sapp turned me off a bit when he talked about his single mother and the father who abandoned them only to show up later after he got famous. Rating: 3/5
Chapter 7: Taming Animals
"I don't see how people love dogs and still eat meat. Just because they're cuter than cows? Cuteness is a warped ethical system resulting from a culture that deifies emotion."
"Yes, much of my personality is immutable, possibly even genetic. But a lot of me was created in a sloppy rush of desperation: I wanted to be the academic, cynical, funny one...I didn't want to go hunting because then I would no longer be the urban intellectual who could say he never hunted....I defined myself as a non-drinker and didn't want my self-image muddled by the occasional beer."
"Identity is so important that a man at the height of his hormonal urges will forgo nearly all opportunity for sex just to avoid being confused about who he is."
"I realized the most amazing thing was that Shawn had no interest in impressing anyone. He was a professional athlete whose goal was to impress himself."
"The failures I've experienced are making far less of an impression on me than my successes."
"I think fearlessness helps make people gentle."
Much like Chapter 3, I connected more with Joel's revelations than with his actual experiences. This task was all about temporarily adopting a dog in order to cure him of his apathy through immersion therapy. He meets up with Shorty, the owner of a talent agency for little people and owner of pitt bulls. He then agrees to "adopt" a female cocker spaniel named Montana. Joel spends much of the chapter outlining his experience "owning" a dog but by the end of the chapter, he hasn't undergone any kind of psychological transformation--he still has no desire to own a dog. Joel's attitude towards dogs was particularly off-putting for me because I come from a family of animal lovers. We don't love or not eat dogs because they're cute, we love them because they are capable of reciprocating that love and we don't eat them because they're part of the family. (I'm choosing to save any kind of ethical debate about eating dogs for future posts). The best parts of the chapter were those that discussed identity. I could definitely relate to Joel's desperation and mini identity crises. I feel as though I'm in a bit of an identity crisis right now. Knowing who I am, what I stand for, what my true personality is--it's hard for me to describe all of that. I'm still seeking the activities and experiences that will define my life and set me on a path of true conviction. The conviction will be my identity. Rating: 3/5
Chapter 9: Providing Food
"It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable with physical discomfort: I'm uncomfortable with mental discomfort...I'm full of nervous boyish chatter and worries about what other people are thinking."
"I've gone half a life without anything horrible happening partly because I avoid people who do horrible things...I don't regret not going over there. I have a far bigger problem: I regret that, after all this effort to become a man, I don't regret not going over there."
Chapter 9 was about hunting. Joel got in contact with Matt Stedina, owner of Vermont Trout Bum, and was put through the rigors (or boredom) of having to get an NRA license, learn how to use a gun and then sit in the woods waiting for a wild turkey to come by so he could shoot it. The chapter reminded me of Duck Dynasty, the way Matt could do such authentic turkey calls, except the experience of waiting for hours would not qualify as enjoyable reality TV. The redeeming features of this chapter were that it connected well with my third book, The Omnivore's Dilemma, and that Joel reflected upon a time when his wife was harassed by a sex offender on their street and he didn't go over to confront the guy. It's true that restraining anger or temper--knowing when to let something roll off your back--is a sign of manliness, but I think that those of us who have gone a lifetime without any significant confrontations regret not having that experience or having the desire to defend oneself and one's family. It's a regret that I identify with because I grew up in a middle-class family going to private schools where students who got into fights were expelled, which dramatically lowered the number of violent incidences on campus. I've known for a while that seeing a fight would be thrilling, and sometimes I look at guys who annoy me and consider the possibilities of winning a fight if I were somehow man enough to stand up to them. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I seem to lack the rage gene. I've been mad before, but never mad enough where I wanted to beat the crap out of someone. That's probably a good thing because society assumes a whole bevy of problems even after one outburst, but I bet guys who haven't dream about getting into and winning a fight. Rating: 4/5
Chapters I didn't connect with:
Chapter 4: Bonding with Men
In this chapter, Joel invited a group of guy friends over to his house for a BBQ and Scotch tasting. The group was joined by the Global Brand Ambassador for The Macallan, Eden Algie. Joel did not have much experience drinking (apparently a masculine activity to partake in, and the group hangout was a "shooting the bull" bonding session. At the end of the night, Joel ended up throwing up, but there were no other revelations or relevancies to my life. After reading the chapter I felt as though Joel's time would have best been spent engaging in an activity less civilized and farther from his comfort zone. This chapter was especially disappointing because the title sounded so promising. Rating: 1/5
Chapter 6: Using Machines
"Being gay is really manly. Take away the coats of civilization, and homosexuality would be a testosterone fest. Gay couples would spend all day watching sports, barbecuing, fighting and having sex. Like in ancient Greece. And, I believe, current Greece."
"...maybe there's some way to harness this risk and make it worth enjoying."
This chapter chronicled Joel's experience renting a Lamborghini. The car he drove, a Mini Cooper, had been publicly ridiculed. Joel didn't know anything about how cars worked, but a local LA dealership allowed him to rent the Lamborghini for a week. It allowed him to look cool driving around town and it helped him connect to his (much more masculine, cool) neighbor, Adey Bennett (you can actually Google Image him--he's the one doing motorcycle tricks). Renting the car was also about calculated risk-taking. Unfortunately, I don't have any kind of attachment to cars. Nothing about the image, sensation or socially constructed significance of having an expensive (douchebaggy) car means a thing to me. Even if I had enough wealth to purchase such a car, I would opt not to. I'd rather be defined by who I am as a person than by my possessions. As Joel discovered, driving a car like that invites a whole gamut of expectations and assumptions, none of which I would like to open myself up for. Rating: 1/5
Chapter 8: Building Shelter
"I just want to change a little bit, which might actually be less likely than changing completely."
Chapter 8 was all about Joel helping his father-in-law, Ken, repair an old property in Hoosick Falls, New York. The shenanigans that happened along the way were "meh" to me, and I couldn't help but wonder, through it all, how many splinters I'd get if I were to try to repair a house. There are many manly activities I'd love to attempt, but repairing a house seems the least likely because, if there's one thing I've learnt from watching the HGTV shows Love It or List It and Property Brothers, it's that fixing a house is best left to the professionals. The quote above did make me wonder a bit about what would happen if I tried to embark on my own masculinity or identity-defining quest. Would I just change a little or would I change completely? I've always been an all-in or all-out kind of guy (it's less messy to take a definitive stance rather than acknowledge both options) and I'm eager for identifiers, so I'm afraid that I'll continue to adopt new personas even if they aren't truly me. Rating: 2/5
Quotes from the Conclusion
"I learned that fighting, shooting and throwing a baseball does make you a man. You change not by deciding, but by doing. We fetishize epiphanies, but only experience changes you."
Friedrich Nietzche: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it--all idealism is mendaciousness in the face of what is necessary--but love it."
"My dad does make people feel safe. It's the very best thing about him."
"My dad gave me the very manliest gift: feeling safe. Because once you feel safe, you can take risks."
What I loved most about the conclusion is how Joel brought the book full circle to his relationship with his father and the relationship he would like to create for his son. I have been lucky to grow up with a father who was there more than he wasn't, and who gave everything he could to raise me and my brother in improved conditions than his own growing up. He's an amazing person and I think that in the end he'll be known most for his relationship with his family and the wonderful impressions he makes on everyone he meets. He's a very good role model for me, and Joel's own conclusion helped me realize that, besides doing manly things, sometimes the most important, manly examples are those within your own home.
Overall rating: 3.5/5 stars
No comments:
Post a Comment