Tuesdays with Morrie was published awhile ago in 1997. The events of the story interweave with then-current events like the OJ Simpson trial, and it's a reminder of how many years have passed since what seemed like significant events of the day. 1997 was an important year for me because it marked the first year that I attended Punahou School, and ten years before I would graduate from high school in 2007. Back in 1997, when I was 8, I had no idea where I would end up today, but I had dreams of becoming a doctor, living in Kahala and sending my own kids to Punahou. When Mitch Albom wrote Tuesdays with Morrie, he had no idea that he would be asked to write a new afterward for the book in 2007, after the book had sold millions of copies around the world. He reflects on the success of the book in the afterward, saying that the point of the book was to raise a litlte money to help pay for his old Sociology professor, Morrie Schwartz's, medical bills. He couldn't imagine that the book would go on to be a best seller, much less a source of inspiration for so many people. It is rare that a work of literature can transcent so many social and cultural barriers to influence so many lives. And I think it's even rarer for a book passed on by recommendation to become a bookshelf classic that feels intensely personal.
In my case, Tuesdays with Morrie was recommended by my good friend Corey. When I told him at the beginning of summer that I decided to read as many books as I could, he immediately went into his room to fetch a stack of books he had browsed or read through. Among some of the niche books he had pulled out about physics (which doesn't really mean anything in my head) were a couple gems, including The Art of Racing in the Rain and Tuesdays with Morrie. Although I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the books, I did so grudgingly because I'm generally skeptical about recommended books. After all, if reading is a personal experience, how can anyone but you know what you'd like best? I put the books aside and read books I chose first. Finally, as the viable choices on the pile dwindled, I found myself reaching for the slim books Corey suggested I read. In the end, it turns out the books he recommended are aruably better than ones I thought I'd love but didn't.
Tuesdays with Morrie is about the author's fourteen weeks spent with Morrie Schwartz. They met on Tuesdays in Morrie's home, and each week Morrie would teach Mitch different life lessons. Interspersed between the weekly recaps, Albom recounts his own struggles and failings and teacher-student moments with Morrie at Brandeis University. Unlike The End of Your Life Bookclub, which was also about the death of an inspirational "real" person but I only occassionally related to, this book was a nonstop commentary about my own life, and of all the books I've read, this one came closest to inciting a real change in the way I proceed from this summer onwards.
From the get-go, Morrie is portrayed as someone you want to know, the kind of person who lights up the room, dances to the beat of his own drum, brings people together and loves unconditionally (to speak in cliches). He is the rare person who I would probably be suspicious of initially but then love endlessly. Mitch is also very relatable. He's the vessel through which we see Morrie and he portrays his old professor with honesty. He never makes the book about an exclusive relationship with Morrie, it's always about the ways Morrie affected everyone around him equally. Over the course of fourteen weeks, Mitch reconnects with Morrie, and as "Coach" deteriorates rapidly with each chapter, Mitch seems to grow wiser. There is a part of the book, towards the end, where Morrie explains that he believes that within each person is a tiny version of themselves, and when the larger individual dies, the tiny being goes on to inhabit something else. Mitch reflects on this in the afterward, as well, realizing that by participating in the writing of the book, Morrie's tiny self has come to inhabit every reader's heart. In a small way, every one who related to this book is a little wiser, and Morrie's spirit continues to teach long after he's gone.
Here are my favorite lessons from Morrie, select quotes are accompanied by my personal thoughts in italics.
The tension of opposites: "Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted."
"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
I think the hardest lesson to apply to life is this one. Culture is a conglomeration of the trends and beliefs in society. Something that is only important to one or a few people can never become a part of a culture. I know I've spent way too long trying to "fit in," trying to be an early adopter of the latest toys, gadgets, styles and slang words. I always wanted to be popular growing up, but I never was. It was a constant source of misery for me, to feel like I never belonged, and it was a source of tension between my parents and I. No matter how hard I begged and how many things my parents bought me, I could never break into the popular group. After I graduated from Punahou and I stopped seeing my old classmates every day, I inadvertently dissociated myself from the rat race of popularity. Nowadays there's a term for people who don't buy into pop culture--"hipster"--which has, unfortunately, made them a documented part of culture. It's only now, so many years later, that I realize how much a waste of energy all of that was. You might be able to impress some people with stuff you own, but you'll never get their respect without earning it. The strongest cause we can present to others for our popularity is our identity. Being yourself and being confident in who you are and what you stand for is way more attractive than any amount of sucking up or desperation. In a way, the most successful definers of pop culture--celebrities, athletes, moguls--ascended to their positions because they were who they were without caring what anyone else thought. It's almost impossible to be original when you're too focused on copying what others are doing, and it's impossible to stand out if you're trying to wear someone else's hat. In the end, I realize that the only person who can make me happy is myself, and that I need to step back from culture to see who I truly am.
"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
This quote spoke to me because it made me think about the things I focus and spend time on. I realized that I watch too much TV, read too much pop culture news and give more thought to others' lives than to my own, in the process doing detriment to my life and wellbeing. It goes a long way to consider what and who you're chasing, and to question whether what you're focusing on deserves all that energy. One of the best things to come out of all this reading has been the time I've spent away from TV and movies. It's put me in a more introspective mindset, and I find that my capacity for philosophy and engaging in my every day experiences has expanded.
"Love is the only rational act."
In truth, I don't understand what this means, but I hope that I will one day when I find love. Right now, I can see all the ways in which it opens up life to irrationality, but I can't see the flip side.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."
"Everyone knows they're going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently. But there's a better approach. To know you're going to die, and to be prepared for it at any time. That's better. That way you can actually be more involved in your life while you're living."
I know Morrie is essentially expanding on the phrase "to live in the moment" but I always find it hard to actually put it into practice. It's hard not to let fears for the future or regrets from the past permeate into the day. It's human to remember our chronologies, but hard to forget it. We're taught to plan and reach for more, and we naturally forget our fallibility. It's also hard, I think, to consider our mortality, accept it and move towards a semblance of positivity. Death is always such a depressing thought because it's the ultimate end of all ends. It's the final, unwanted goal of all living beings and it depresses us that we can't defy it physically. How can it be possible to accept death and not become reckless? That's the challenge that we are all presented with--the balance of accepting and embracing it.
"The truth is, Mitch, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
"Mitch, even I don't know what 'spiritual development' reallly means. But I do know we're deficient in some way. We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don't satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted."
I am guilty of this, but I'm determined to change.
"Love each other or perish."
"This is part of what a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there's someone who is watching out for them. It's what I missed so much when my mother died--what I call your 'spiritual security'--knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work."
"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent. But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."
"Aging is not decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."
Interesting to think of aging and wisdom as being conversely related. The older we get, the wiser we become, and without the process of aging and all it entails, we can't grow.
"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue."
This quote stuck out to me because it mentioned competitiveness. I think I've been raised for competitive situations. When push comes to shove I thrive in the pressure situations and probably crave them now than I did when I played competitve tennis. But competition can also be unhealthy if applied to all areas of life. Looking back incites competition with ourselves to take more and more and be a better person by cultural or materalistic standards--money, cars, houses, jobs, etc. Aging and learning lessons as we age cannot be artificially stimulated. If we try to force life experiences then we might miss the opportunities for organic wisdom that exist all around us in the present.
On material possessions: "You can't take it with you."
"Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
"Mitch, if you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."
This was one of the top five lessons in my opinion, and it hits close to my ego. As great as Punahou is, a lot of what goes on among students outside of the classroom is competition based on materialistic criteria. We grew up keeping up with trends, later that obsession became about cars or our parents' occupations, where we lived, which colleges our families could claim legacy at. At the upper echelons of each class were the kids whose families had buildings named after them. I was bred to compare quality and quantity, and even though I know what humble origins look like since I started at UH-Manoa, I still have a hard time abandoning the tendency to meet someone and immediately try to outdo them. When Morrie said this, it rang so simple and true. At the end of the day, the people who care about the things you show off might not be the best people to be around, and if you lose everything, if you are stripped of everything and you stand before them with only your soul, will they still love you? It made me think about who I present myself as and it made me resolve to redefine who I say I am and who I act as. For one, I'm not my parents, and everything I have is because they enabled me. I can't claim to have achieved their success, so I shouldn't claim their rewards. What I should focus on is making my own success and maybe one day being able to say that I matched or outdid theirs.
"Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
"I believe in being fully present. That means you should be with the person you're with...Part of the problem, Mitch, is that everyone is in such a hurry. People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. Then they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running."
I am definitely guilty of violating this one. People who know me occasionally say that they can tell that I'm not paying attention. When people talk about things I don't find interesting, or I'm uncomfortable discussing, I zone out and start thinking of what I want to talk about. I can't remember when it started, but I've been actively working on changing. I try to ask questions and really process and save the answers. Sometimes I ask questions to be polite, but I try to ask because I really want to know. It's had to care about others when life moves too quickly, but I also think it's important for me to create relationships and maintain friendships.
"Well, I feel sorry for this generation. In this culture, it's so important to find a loving relationship with ssomeone because so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They don't know what they want in a partner. They don't know who they are themselves--so how can they know who they're marrying?"
Coincidentally, recently I had a conversation about love and marriage with one of my good friends. She noticed that a lot of her friends were getting engaged or getting married. There are a good portion of people who get engaged after graduating. Apparently that's a thing, but I wasn't aware of it until she brought it up. Most of my friends on Facebook are from high school and I haven't seen many proposal statuses on my newsfeed. In any case, she had feelings about the proposals, whereas I didn't. I told her that I can't date, much less get engaged, married or have kids, until I know and love myself. I came upon that revelation on my own before reading this book, so it was nice to see that Morrie, in his infitie wisdom and 44 years of marriage, could diagnose the disease of divorce so characteristic of the baby boomers and every generation since then. I guess if there's pressure to get married and date and all that then you might get pushed into rushing the process. I'm fortunate because my parents always tell me to take my time, and even when I was little my mother would tell me not to date until I become 30. Although she said it mostly because she didn't want dating to distract from my studies and plans to become a doctor, I think she also saw that I was slow to mature and slow to adopt the normal responsibilities that come with age. Heck, it took me so long to get an undergraduate degree and at this rate I don't think I'll have real kid-bearing urges until I'm 40. At every stage of my life, I've realized that I don't want to rush the process because I'll probably just make mistakes. That's the whole purpose of this summer, too, to grow and see where I'm at, what I want and who I am.
"There are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're going to have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values, Mitch? Your belief in the importance of marriage."
"People are only mean when they're threatened, and that's what our culture does. That's what our economy does. Even people who have jobs in our economy are threatened, because they worry about losing them. And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yoursellf. You start making money a god. It is all part of this culture."
"Look, no matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is shortsightedness. We don't see what we could be. We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can become. But if you're surrounded by people who say 'I want mine now,' you end up with a few people with everything and a military to keep the poor ones from rising up and stealing it."
"Be compasionate. And take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place."
"Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others."
"That's what we're all looking for. A certain peace with the idea of dying. If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing. Make peace with living."
"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on--in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here. Death ends a life, not a relationship."
"Love is [not a negotiation]. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own."
I'm lucky that I know what feeling loved is like, and that I think I used to know what loving is like. My mother is the person I most strongly associate with true loving capabilities. She always tells us that she didn't always realize it, but her purpose on earth was to be our mother. Writing that actually brings tears to my eyes because I realize how much she's done for us in the past 25 years, and how those acts were out of pure love. It's beautiful that some people might have been put on earth to spread love and to show the rest of us what true love is. Certain individuals might be angels on earth because they have a remarkable capacity for giving without receiving, achieving a higher level of awareness, and pushing our definition of what it means to live ouside ourselves. My mother is one of those people, and it makes me feel endlessly blessed to have grown up and to continue to receive the fruits of her gift. I have hope for myself because I think I used to be capable of the same kind of love. As a kid I was affectionate and simple-mindedly focused on the good of those around me. It was only when I grew up around other kids who were not like minded that I became cold and more calculated. Just knowing that I used to be like that makes me believe in inner goodness and tells me I can one day regain it if I try.
On his religion/spirituality: "I have not settled on one yet...However, this is too harmonious, grand, ad overwhelming a universe to believe that it's all an accident."
This quote reminded me of Corey. We spent hours upon hours debating the existence of God and the foundation of religion. Corey is not at all religious, except that he does not believe in any "higher power." He's a man of science, so he believes that everything we believe must be able to be quantified and qualified by the scientific method. He believes physics, biology and chemistry can explain the origin of the universe and that death is simply the fatal deterioration of our cells. I am neither a physics nor religion major, so it's hard for me to debate him, but I cannot completely divorce myself that, before everything, inside the smallest particles, at the end of our lvies, there is divinity. It's strange to me that a book that could impact Corey could not convince him of the possibility of "something else."
The strength and value of Morrie's lessons partly come from his proximity to death. Being able to reflect on the meaning and consequences of death was Morrie's last learning experience in a life devoted to learning, and he passed that on to Mitch, who gifted all of us by presenting that knowledge in a book. None of us know when we're going to die, or what the experience is truly like living with a fatal disease, and we can't truly know until we're at the junction ourselves. By that time, it's too late to change anything, which is why so many people die with regrets. Morrie himself recognized the futility of regret in the face of death, and he wanted to reach out and talk about the inner reconciliation process and promote inner peace. At the same time, he also taught from his experience with life. He lived a life story worth telling, full of human ups and downs, and he never squandered a moment to inject positivity into society. Very rarely do you come across individuals whose power of influence is so great that you're changed just by being in their proximity, but Morrie was one of those people. He changed the lives of his family, students, peers and neighbors while he was alive, and he continues to change readers as they hold the book in their hands. The spirit of his life, the essence of his being, continues to change by proximity.
Rating: A+
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